Posts
If you are a 13-15 year old girl this review does not apply to you. Somewhere underneath the surface of this beautifully shot movie there is a plot. However, I can’t find it. Chris Weitz’s directing is reasonably good as far as the look of the movie goes. It does have the moody, angst, overcast setting that makes these films work. The werewolves look like big CGI monsters that you’d like to pet. There are even a few comedic one liners that might get a quick chuckle. Unfortunately, that is where the good stops and the massive amounts of bad starts. The basic premise of the film is silly to the extreme. Edward decides that he must leave his love, Bella, to ensure her safety and to give her a chance at a normal life. Yet, when he leaves her, she spends most of her time screaming out nightmares. (I wish my ex-girlfriends had missed me that much.) The overblown acting here is, in a word, horrible. The irony here is that once he leaves her the only way she can “see” him is if she puts herself into serious physical jeopardy. Thus, he leaves to keep her safe only to make her place herself in more danger than ever. Clearly, Edward needs a new brain. This is also a concern considering the “red headed vampire of death” is out to kill her. Edward leaves so Bella can be safe. What he does is leave her to the mercy of “killer red.” (A very wasted villain if you ask me.) On top of this, when putz Edward calls Bella and wolf man Jacob tells him that Bella’s dad is “arranging for a funeral,” he hangs up the phone. Without checking his sources, he decides that he must, in teenage style angst, kill himself. What an idiot! One would think that after 109 years he might have grown out of teenage melodrama. This is silly beyond words. Somehow Bella is able to fly across the world and in the nick of time save him from exposing himself to the mundanes. However, we do get a good shot of Edwards pale naked top half. This gratitudious flesh festival does not compare to wolf man Jacob’s “Chip-n-Dale” shirt rip to dab a small amount of blood from Bella’s motorcycle wreck, head wound. I actually heard the mostly female audience’s sharp intake of breath and giddy stifled laughter when this occurred. We are told that women are stimulated in an emotional manner not a visual one. I do not buy this at all. As the movie crawls and lurches to a close, we get to see the over stylized council of old vampires who look more like old gay fashion rejects. The movie makes an attempt to be intense here with a fight to save Bella, and we get a prophecy that stays the hand of the council. One day Bella will become one of them. This leads to the most comically tragic scene, via a prophetic vision, in the movie with Edward chasing Bella in the sunlit forest sparkles aglow on both of them. I fully expected singing animals or seven dwarves at this moment. One word: Barf! In short, this movie looks good and is shot with great visuals. (And I don’t mean the bare chest studs either.) However, the plot (or lack thereof) and the overblown melodrama is almost wretch worthy.
I give Twilight: New Moon ½ of a star for good cinematography. Save your money folks, and buy a poster of wolf man Taylor Lautner with his shirt off. It’ll be cheaper and last a lot longer.
